Journal De La Fille Morte.

I'm in a really good mood today. I've had a good day, I'm in a good place right now.
I set my alarm for 6:30am this morning, but because Pete and I were walking the dogs at midnight last night. I didn't get up when my alarm beeped and ended up sleeping in until 7:30am! So did Pete. We were in a huge rush this morning, Pete hadn't even made his sandwiches when I needed to be at the bus stop, so he dropped me off and came back home to get himself sorted. I went into the village shop and bought a bottle of coke and a cerial bar for breakfast. I ran for the bus. Bob was driving the bus this morning, I remember him from when I used to get the bus as a school kid. He's a pretty clued up bus driver, so I asked him if the bus was running on Friday morning (its a school bus and the high school breaks up for the summer at midday on Thursday). It is, so I won't have a problem getting into college on Friday.
In the morning we were covering "good phone manners". Basically what to do and what not to do when you are cold calling. We watched a video on it, then we had to write down what we would say when we phoned up a company and got a receptionist. We were trying to get her to put us through to the Human Resources manager.
When you're on the phone it seems easy (I have good phone manners, and I often take business calls for Pete), but when you are asked to write down what you would say, its suprisingly difficult.
We then had to phone the college reception (they didn't know we were doing this) and try to get them to put us through to the human resources manager.
Adam went first. He got put through to the human resources manager.
"Who's next?" Dianne asked. All the guys who never shut up and are so cocky, suddenly went all quiet and refused to make a simple phone call. "Oh for God's sake! You're all pussies!" I said.
"I'll do it Dianne." I phoned, and the receptionist put me through to human resources. A woman in HR answered and told me that the manager was in a meeting at the moment but could I leave my name and number and the manager would get back to me. The video said not to do this, as many managers didn't take kindly to being left messages to phone random people. So I said that I would call her back later. I got the Manager's name, direct phone line and what time would be good to call her. Smug? Moi?
Dianne said that I should have been on the video as I made a perfect cold call. After that Darrel said that he would have a go. He didn't get put through.
We went for lunch, and hung out in the local park. It was so bloody hot. None of us really wanted to go back to the college and sit in a hot, stuffy classroom doing IT.
But we went. At about 2pm, Christine Mackey came into the classroom looking for me. She is the one who interviewed me for college afew weeks ago. I asked her if my application for college was being considered as I haden't heard anything for three weeks now. She asked if I had been sent a letter, I said no. She told me that I might get onto the NC level course as I'm good enough at English, but if I didn't, then they would offer me a place on the Access course. The only reason I wouldn't get a place is if I get a really terrible reference. Well thats not going to happen. My references both think highly of me. She said that she was going to obtain a reference from the High School tommorrow and get a letter sent off to me. Brilliant! What a result!
After out afternoon tea break, Patrica, Adam and I left early. We went down the street and I've burnt my face. It must be really hot because I never burn. We were sat on a bench waiting for Adam's bus, when Viz walks past. He gives me the evils and basically looks at me like I'm a piece of shite. I raise my eyebrows at him as if to say "what?" He walks a couple more feet, then turns around and spits at me in the street! "What a cunt!" Patrica says loudly.
"Thats a really disgusting thing to do." Adam says.
I look at them, grin and say, "He missed."
Well I certainly know that now there is no chance of Viz and I ever being friends again after that. That was the final nail in the (already pretty much nailed) coffin of the Viz and Lexi story.
I don't really care that he spat at me, in the street, infront of a busy street-full of people and a busload of his work collegues. I rose above it. I'm the bigger man.
Adam and Patrica both like each other alot and are very likely to get together soon. Which is great. Patrica has never dated, because she has been to shy etc, but she gets on really well with Adam, and they seem at easy with each other. Thats really great, it made me smile. Patrica and I discussed it after Adam left. I told her that I wasn't really in the position to give love advice, but just to be herself, be honest with him and just relax.
"What if he says no when I ask him out?" She asked.
"Then you text me and I'll be round your flat with chocolate, tissues and tell you that I never liked him anyway!" I joked. We had a laugh and I told her to just be herself with him. He could like it or lump it.
All is good.

Standing at the bus stop, I bit my bottom lip in order to stop the tears that were threatening. I glanced across the road at his house, just visable behind the bank. I thought of how he used to treat me when we were together (I had to buy my own roses on Valentine's day because he was too cheap. They were a £3 Co-Op bouquette), and how he's treated me since we split up.
The bus arrived, and lip trembling, eyes down I boarded and presented the driver with my return ticket. I made my way to the back of the bus and propped my feet up on the back of the seat infront of me, hunching over, trying to make myself as small as I felt.
My day had started off ok, I'd woken up an hour later than I had intended too (7:30am instead of 6:30am). As a result I only had half an hour to get dressed and ready, but I still caught the bus ok. I arrived at the college and met up with Claire. She was in the canteen eating a pie. We wandered down to class, just chatting about life etc. In the morning we did a teambuilding excersise. Our team, which was the smart team lost, mainly because Adam kept looking at the math problem over and over. We eventually took the big sheet of paper off him and made it into a giant paper airoplane. Our original answer was right though.
The college is being renovated, and the canteen is now closed as its going to be ripped down and replaced with a shiny new one.
So we all went out into Thurso for our lunch. Adam, Patrica, Claire, Martin and I went to Fraiser's (a small super market). We bought ice creams and sweets and cold drinks and sat in the swing-park near by. We had an extended lunch, which was nice.
We returned to the college early and went up to the dome, to check our emails etc.
After our afternoon session, we were allowed to leave at 3:15. I could have got the school bus home and been home by 4:30pm at the latest, but Adam asked me to come down the hill into the town with them. So I did. We lay on the grass under a sycamore tree in the park down by the river. Adam asked me why I'm obsessed with sex, "Does it have anything to do with what happened with Millionaire Shortbread?"
"Partly." I said. I told them what had happened to me when I was four, and what Millionaire Shortbread had done to me. They were all pretty shocked, and Adam (who gets annoyed with my constant stream of smut) said that it explained alot. Patrica also opened up about her dad dying. Then we all fooled around, stealing Patrica's ballet pumps and trying to topple Adam (who does Karate) over.
We left Patrica in the park at 4pm (she had a doctor's appointment, which was just across the road from the park). Adam, Martin and I went to the Co-Op, Adam saying that he was actually quite dissapointed that I don't go for white guys as he likes me (or something along those lines, I can't quite remember). I went in to buy a six pack of Pepsi Max. I had drunk Sue's stash and thought that I better replace it before she comes home tommorrow. As I was packing and paying, I saw Viz wandering around. I know he clocked me too. So Adam, Martin and I sat on a low wall outside RBS waiting for their bus. When they had left I thought I'd go round and see Viz.
He opened the door, insulted me in a way that made it seem like a joke, but what he said was actually really hurtfull. I came in and he told me about this new girl he has just started seeing. Its hard to be happy for him when he's totally rubbing my face in it. He was totally indifferent to me while I was there, bordering on rude. I tried to make conversation while his out-of-control mut was all over me. I might as well have been talking to the wall for all the response I got from him. Do all men just ignore you when you ask them a question they don't want to answer?
I left his house ten minutes before I had to, I left feeling pissed off that one minute he's perfectly friendly towards me, and the next he's totally indifferent. I'm the one putting all the effort into being his friend etc.
After I boarded the bus I sent him a text saying "If u continue to act indiferent 2wards me then ur gonna lose me as a friend. Its a total mindfuck n just proves that u wer only using me 4sex."
He then replied telling me that he didn't need me, his new GF is a million times better than me in every way imaginable.and that I was a whore who deserved to be raped and the only thing that the guy did wrong was not strangle me after!
That hurt! Thats what had me in tears. The tears at the bus stop were from anger. But these tears were the kind you get when you realsie that someone you cared for, and still did up to that moment, never gave a shit about you, and was just using you. That a relationship you had hoped would turn into something lasting and meaningfull was just a "how many times must I flush before you'll go away" deal for them.
Viz took advantage of me, he knows that I'm the puppy that wants to be loved, he knows my history, knew that I let him do the things he did because I hoped he would one day love me.
I'm ashamed that I let him use me, let him do the things he did to me when he didn't love me, care about me or even respect me.
The old Lexi wouldn't have cared, would have just laughed off her embarrassment. I'm growing and changing. Since I told Marquis and you, dear readers about what happened to me as a child, I feel stronger.
I'm 20 next year, and I'm finally ready to put the past behind me, face my fears and put my demons to rest.
I'm not a bad looking girl. I can do better than Viz. I demand respect from people, and you know what, I'm gonna get it!
I'm not gonna give up my goods to any guy that shows an interest. Fuck it, I'm gonna make the next guy wait. Make him work for it. Maybe I'll even fake a headache.

Last week was the first week of my two week Gateway-To-Work course. There were twelve of us on Monday (seven people didn't bother to show up at all). There is one guy called Darrel, who has never had a job and has no interest in working. In his own words he spends most of his time "proping up 'e' bar".
There is a girl called Patrica, who calims to see dead people, and a guy called Adam (who is very like Viz in looks and personality) who is into conspiracy theories. He's very clever, just abit weird. The 12 people has srunk down to ten, but we have all formed cliques. I'm hanging out with Adam, Patrica, Martin and Clair. We were sitting on a wall, waiting for our busses, when Adam said that if I wasn't obsessed with Marquis and with sex, then he would have considered asking me out. Apparently I'm very flirty with him, but thats the thing. I flirt with everybody! I'm not attracted to Adam.
As we were waiting for ou busses, Viz got off his bus. I was messing with him, chasing him down the road yelling "Hug me!". I'm going over there next weekend to hang out with him and watch movies. He pretends not to care about me, or anything these days, but he does care. He's so busy trying not to care that its obvious he does.
On Thursday we did First Aid and Manual Handling. I swear, if I ever have to do CPR on someone, I'll probably end up killing them. I'm not good at first aid.
Then we spent the whole afternoon being taught how to lift boxes correctly.
I don't see how any of this is gonna help me to get a job, its getting the interviews thats the hard part.
I wasn't there on Friday because I had an apointment with a specialist down in Inverness. He wasn't much good, didn't seem to be able to tell me anything new. Not like I missed much at the college, it was a half day with a careers scotland advisor, and I had an apointment with Careers Scotland like a month ago. Next week we all have a two day work placement, which I'm looking forward to. It could provide me with a reference and maybe even a job, if I'm lucky.
Friday night, Stone went to the cinema with afew of her friends. She left at 6pm, and didn't come home until midnight. Pete wasn't impressed. He had asked me to call her mobile at about 11:45, but it just went straight to voicemail. Sometimes I wonder why she has a phone when she never turns it on.
"MIDNIGHT!!?" Pete shreaked at her when she came in.
"Yeah." She shrugged. If I'd come home at midnight when I was 16, he would have murdered me.
Saturday we just did the usual weekeend things, like walk the dogs. Pete and I cleared out the shed. I made pasta bake for dinner. "Fuck my old boots, that looks good." Pete said as I pulled it out of the oven. I must admit I am good at making pasta bakes. It tasted good too. Both Pete and Stone want me to make it again for them.
My Great aunt Barbra and my Great uncle Gill are comming up tommorrow, so Pete and I unlocked their cottage, opened the windows to air the place, turned the water on, hovered and dusted and lit a laid a fire in the hearth.
Rob and Val dropped round this morning, Val had made us a chicken and mushroom pie. Very sweet, but I wanted to explain that Sue doesn't actually do any of the cooking, so we were managing ok.
Stone had gone to a beach party last night and got totally hammered. She and her friend Abby got in at 2am this morning, by climbing through Stone's window. Idiots.
Stone now has a hang over (her first one). She was asking me what to do. I told her to drink lots of water. Does she listen to me? No, she drinks orange juice instead. I was cooking Pete a bacon, egg and sauasage sandwich, when Stone wandered into the kitchen. "Arh that smells gorgeous". There was only enough bacon and sausages for two sandwiches, so I selflessly gave her mine. I'm a good sister. I've eaten two custard creams today, ontop of cleaning an entire house.

Well my Knickers from La Senza arrived the saturday after I ordered them. They came in a black La Senza box, with some of those little scented beads (I'd bought two sachets of them which were included too).
The knickers (or panties as Marquis calls them) were beautifully wrapped in purpe tissue paper.
The knickers that were labled size 10 fitted perfectly. The two pairs that were size Medium, did not. They were huge on me. I must have a smaller ass than I thought.
So Sue has gained two pairs of brand new knickers at my expense. I don't really mind, she only has about 8 pairs of knicks.

Sorry I haven't blogged in a while, but I've been busy.
Marquis told me that he had created an application form that you had to fill in to be his girlfriend! I asked him if he was joking, he said it was just for a laugh, but I have filled in section 1 (there are three sections and each takes about two hours to fill in), and it didn't sound like it was a "just-for-a-laugh" kinda thing.
I passed section 1 though.

Yesterday I bought some more knickers (yes, more! I am planning to throw away some of the ones that have seen better days). I went onto La Senza's website, I don't usually shop in La Senza (90% of my knickers are from places like New Look, Tesco and Marks and Spencer. You can actually get some really lovely underwear from these places, and its not expensive), recently they haven't had much that I liked (except for a pair of knickers designed by the Pussycat Dolls, but I'm not paying £14 for a pair of knickers). I've also turned away from French knickers made from nothing but lace (there were chaffing issues), and gone for cute and comfortable. Right now I love boyshorts.
From La Senza I bought a pair of knickers with a pink tartan style print on them (they were £2.50 in the sale, so why not?), a pair of white knickers with black stars on them, and a pair of plain, pale blue shorts (I also bought two of those sachets of the nice smelling bead thingys). I've been looking for a pair of plain boyshorts or knickers. I wanted to sew three large-ish buttons (I have a whole tin of cute mis-matched buttons that I want to do something with) down the front. If you look on La Senza's website (or any website that sells lingerie for that matter) you can find pairs of knickers that have tiny, matching buttons down the front. I don't want that, I want big, mis-matched buttons. I want eclectic knickers!
This first pair, I think I'm going to sew two lilac buttons onto the front, with a light blue one in the middle (lilac, blue, lilac), as the knickers are a pastle blue. If they look good, then I'm planning to buy either a black pair, or a white pair and do "Traffic Light Knickers". You know, three buttons down the front in the colours and order of traffic lights (red, yellow, green).
I looked on New Look's website and they have their usual assortment of cute, patterned knickers (there are afew pairs I want, one pair with butterflies all over them), but they are also selling a brand called "No Romeo" (!)I love No Romeo! They have some really gorgeous stuff AND (!) its affordable and comfortable. I know where I'm going for my next bra.

Ok, Marquis is talking to me.

Lexi: I guess you read my email
Marquis: I read it, yep
Marquis: but I gotta read it again
Lexi: I've been bricking it all afternoon, wondering what ur reaction will b
Marquis: aww, you're adorable
Lexi: I've had every reaction under the sun, disgust, sympathy, anger (directed at me), some people have even suggested that its my fault
Marquis: I didn't really feel none of those actually
Marquis: I was just reading it and then I gather my thoughts about it afterwards
Lexi: its alot to take in, thats why I wrote it in an email
Lexi: its too much to type on here
Marquis: yeah, I totally feel you on that
Marquis: I've been in a couple of situations like that in which I can't say, but I must put it in writing
Lexi: Ok, so now you know my darkest secret
Marquis: it wasn't really hard to guess it though
Marquis: my major in college was psychology
Lexi: ok
Lexi: I kinda figured u were interested in psychology cos u kept asking me how things made me feel
Marquis: but I do thank you for sharing with me
Marquis: I feel quite special
Lexi: I told my ex and of course my family knows, but I've never told anyone in that much detail before
Marquis: and how does that make you feel?
Lexi: i was crying at several points while I was writing that email
Lexi: so does this change how u feel about me?
Marquis: hmm, well, kinda, but not really
Lexi: je suis confused
Marquis: I mean like, I'm just trying not to think of it through the eyes of a psychologist, you know?
Lexi: oh god ur psycho analysing me aren't u?
Marquis: eh, not really

The site that I emailed him through shows you if and when someone has read your email. I just checked as his Yahoo IM is still set at "Away - at work".
According to the site he read the email at 16:44 pm. Its now 16:54 pm (according to the clock on my laptop).
The pressure is killing moi.

Track: Under pressure - Queen featuring David Bowie

I'm starting to think that getting the Chinese symbol for dreams tattooed onto my wrist was a bad idea lol.
Before I had it done I rarely dreamed, or could rarely remember my dreams. These days (or nights I should say)I'm having really vivid, weird dreams.
The other night I had another weird dream.
I drempt that it was New Year's Eve and I was standing near the top of King Arthur's Seat. It was really dark, the only light coming from the balefires scattered around the hill. I was standing just behind a news reporter and camera man who were interviewing Andraco (an ex of mine). He was showing them two tattoos on his right forearm. One was a celtic triangle, that was ment to look like a wave (its the same design as a surfing sticker I have on my window) and the other was a simple sun-wheel. A big black circle with a ring around it. The funny thing was instead of his Hungarian accent, he had a really broad scottish accent. He doesn't have these tattoos, which, in my dream, weren't very well done.
I woke up the next morning with really vivid memories of this dream, so I sent him a text, just to see how he is. He told me about his two new tats. One I already knew about, I'd seen it, and helped design it. Its got a mixture of celtic, hungarian, and viking motives, with two celtic dogs in the centre. Then there is the new tat which I didn't know about, its a green woman with hungarian folky leaves around it. Sounds nice. And they're on his legs not his forearm.

"You're adorable. I have to have you." Marquis wrote.
" Thank you, you're really sweet." I replied. We were chatting on Yahoo IM last night. He says that he really likes me, and I feel the same.
He sent me a picture (its kinda provocative) of himself. As he's a US Marine, I knew he'd be fine, but wow I wasn't expecting that! He's really really hot!
It makes me look at my own body. I have really skinny legs, but a pot belly, My spare tire isn't were a beer belly would be. Its around the uterus, making me look pregnant. The thing is, I have a concave stomach until I started injecting into it (insulin is a growth hormone, and you put on weight wherever you inject) . Sue has done some research, and she says that I have a classic "diabetic body". I want my flat tummy back!
I am now pretty much recovered from my bout of skipping injections. My diabetic nurse has told me that I suffer from a recognised eating disorder called Dia-bulimia (where diabetics (mostly teenage girls) cut down on or skip their injections in order to lose weight. This causes their blood sugar levels to rise, and the body gets rid of the sugar through your urine, and by making you throw up. Its estimated that about 10% of diabetics are diabulimics).
Stone asked me, why can't you just eat sensibly and work out? Unless I lived on lettice, it would be very hard to control my weight.
Anyway, I'm gonna get my flat tummy back, but I'm going to do it the sensible way. Through diet and excersise. I'm going to do Callanetics with Sue, walk the dogs and do hula hooping. But I need your support and motivation otherwise I won't be able to do it.